Things you have to believe to be a Republican today...

The list...

1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless
you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our
prayers for your recovery.

2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, but our
highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

3. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving
their jobs to India.

4. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but
multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without
regulation.

5. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary
Clinton.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run
for governor of California as a Republican.

8. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

9. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies,
then demand their cooperation and money.

10. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at
heart.

11. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing
health care to all Americans is socialism.

12. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but
creationism should be taught in schools.

13. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's
daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, and a
bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

14. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable
offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die
is solid defense policy.

15. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the
Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

16. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but
George Bush's driving record is none of our business.

17. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John
Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to
adopt.

18. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but
trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

--
Aaron Krister Johnson
http://www.akjmusic.com
http://www.dividebypi.com

OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made
for man -- who has no gills. -Ambrose Bierce 'The Devils Dictionary'