Art for Dummies

From L.A. Life:

At last, art for idiots!
Don't get off on the wrong footnotes.

By John Weeks
Staff Writer

The Classical Theater Lab in Los Angeles recently has begun a series
of audience-friendly Shakespeare productions in which everyone takes
it nice and easy. The actors explain the story as they go along, and
they paraphrase a lot of the difficult language, and even stop to
take questions from the crowd. The series, "Who's Afraid of William
Shakespeare?," began earlier this month with a staging of "Macbeth"
at the Community Center in West Hollywood.

You know, it's about time. We're all familiar with those books
like "Auto Repair for Dummies" and "Computers for Dummies," and it
seems like there is a growing movement to accommodate dummies of all
kinds. Apparently, the trend has finally spread to the arts world.

This is exciting. Art truly can extend its reach if it makes itself
more accessible to America's largest demographic group, namely
idiots.

Now, when I say "idiots," you know I don't mean you and me. Well, yes
I do, but I mean it in a loving, affectionate way.

Let's face it, the arts often can leave us scratching our heads and
muttering to ourselves, and it's not just Shakespearean drama. Each
one of the artistic disciplines, from painting to sculpture to music
to literature, can be all too perplexing. So, think of the welcome
relief it will be if the art-for-idiots idea spreads.

Take paintings, for example. Paintings used to be plain and direct. A
man with a spear chases a deer, and there you have it. Very
straightforward and easy to understand, even in a poorly-lit cave.

In modern times, though, paintings often are abstract and
inscrutable. It would be great if you could walk into a museum or
gallery and find trained experts standing by to answer your questions
and explain things to you.

You: "Is this supposed to be a painting of a woman? Why is she all
twisted out of shape?"

Expert: "She is mocking our preconceived notions of human beauty."

You: "Why is her face all disorganized like that, with both eyes on
one side of her nose and her mouth over there where her ear ought to
be?"

Expert: "It's a commentary on the fragmentation of identity in our
depersonalized age."

You: "Wow. So, why is she blue?"

Expert: "Dude, if you looked like that, you'd feel a little
depressed, too."

Sculpture is another art form that many people find baffling. Again,
it would be most helpful if skilled docents were on duty next to each
piece.

You: "What's this one called?"

Docent: "This is a waste basket, actually. But if you mean the piece
behind the ropes, just beyond the waste basket, that's called Modern
Man."

You: "That's a man? It doesn't even have a head."

Docent: "The artist was making a statement."

You (excitedly): "Was he protesting the fragmentation of identity in
our depersonalized age?"

Docent: "No, he was protesting the fact his state funding was cut
off."

Now, music, that's another thing that can really be confusing. Even
pop music. You can't understand the words. And even if you CAN
understand the words, you can't understand the words.

I wish there was a 24-hour hotline I could call at night to have
someone explain to me what the heck Bjork is singing about.

Me: "Why is Bjork's album called 'Vespertine'?"

Hotline assistant: "It's a combination of 'vespers,' which are
evening prayers at day's end, and 'valentine,' an expression of love,
so what we have, metaphorically speaking, is a love song for the end
of the world."

Me: "Whoa, that is heavy. And what's with the swan dress she wears
when she performs, and the giant ear muffs? What does that mean?"

Hotline assistant: "It means she's nuts."

Me: "Oh."

Hotline assistant: "Well, duh."

You know, readers could use a little help with newspaper humor
columns. I know I'm guilty, now and then, of leaving readers in the
dark as to where the funny bits are supposed to be. You may be
wondering what happened to them in today's column, for example.

Just think how helpful it would be if parenthetical prompts were
inserted into the text. You know: ("snicker here") or ("smile broadly
here") or ("laugh so hard here that you fall off your chair and hurt
your head").

And, of course, the final cue would be at the end: ("robust laughter,
followed by thunderous applause, cheers and whistles, culminating in
a prolonged standing ovation").

But you folks don't need to be told that. You're no dummies.

ITAL John Weeks is a staff writer. Contact him by phone at (909) 386-
3858.