CAT RULES Rules for Cats to Live By

> CAT RULES Rules for Cats to Live By
>
> BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not
>necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
>
> DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door
open,
>stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is
not
>necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened,
>stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is
>particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or
mosquito
>season.
>
> CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair
quickly.
>If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no
>Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure
you
>back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot.
>
> HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity
and
>the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping,"
>otherwise known as "hampering."
>
> Following are the rules for "hampering:"
>
> 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of
the
>cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being
stepped
>on and then picked up and comforted.
>
> 2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes
and
>book,unless you can lie across the book itself.
>
> 3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner
so
>as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to

>doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen.
>
> 4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be

>sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
>
> 5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk
across
>keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lap
across
>arms, hampering typing in progress.
>
> WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as
>possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have
>something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the

>morning. This will help their coordination skills.
>
> BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot
move
>around.
>
> LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kickas much
>litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter

>between their toes.
>
> HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans
cannot
>find you.Do not come out for three to four hours under any
circumstances.
>This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you

>have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover
you
>with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.
>
> ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human,
>especially their face, turn around,and present your butt to them.
Humans
>love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests!
-- -Kraig Grady
North American Embassy of Anaphoria Island
http://www.anaphoria.com
The Wandering Medicine Show
KXLU 88.9 FM WED 8-9PM PST