Bill Maher on a roll (the 'Real-Time' season finale's 'New Rules')

A comic, yet great and acute, summary indictment of Bush.

-Aaron

<snipped other 'New Rules'>

"...And finally, New Rule: President Bush's new Supreme Court nominee, Samuel
Alito, must bomb an abortion clinic. [laughter] I know it sounds crazy, but
the right wing needs assurance that they've really got their holy man this
time. [laughter] [applause] We can't let the swing vote on the Supreme Court
just wind up in the hands of some level-headed legal pussy. [laughter]

Is Sam Alito a decent man with Christian values? Well, until he kills a nurse
with a pipe bomb, there's no way to be sure. [laughter] [applause] Because
there is nothing you can say to a real conservative to convince him abortion
should ever be acceptable other than, “Your daughter is pregnant and the
father is black.” [laughter] [applause]

Now, with all the hubbub lately about qualifications and constitutional law,
it's sometimes easy to forget why our founding fathers created a judicial
branch in the first place: to punish hussies by saddling them with the
mewling, drooling reminder of their sin. [silence] Ooh. [laughter]

But here's where overturning Roe v. Wade could actually turn out to be the
best thing for the Democrats. Because if you want to create more liberal
voters, don't scare them with the possibility of terrorism. Scare them with
the possibility of parenthood. [laughter] Because voters nowadays are all
about the issues that affect “me.” They need to see how Bush's fuck-ups
affect them personally. [laughter]

I mean, think about it. Other than the war in Iraq, the Katrina disaster, the
deficit, the CIA leak, torture, stopping stem cell research, homeland
security, global warming and undercutting science, we've yet to really feel
the negative effects of the Bush administration. [laughter] [applause]
[cheers]

But you know what voting block had the lowest voter turnout in the last
election? Young, unmarried women. And you know who'll be the most affected if
they overturn Roe v. Wade? Kobe Bryant. [laughter] But, after him, young
women. Come on. You're living in South Carolina and you need an abortion.
You're going to get on a bus and head to New York. Maybe next time you'll
think twice about letting your older brother tuck you in. [laughter]

Because, overturning Roe v. Wade won't make abortion illegal. The choice to
allow it will just be returned to the states. In all likelihood, the blue
states. The rest of you will have to make a weekend of it. [laughter]
Tourism, ka-ching! [laughter]

Every state will have a new motto: Massachusetts: “Where the country was born,
but your baby wasn't.” [laughter] [applause] “What happens in Vegas, stays in
Vegas. No, seriously!” [laughter] [applause]

And of course, California: “I just got an abortion and now I'm going to
Disneyland!” [laughter] [applause] All right, that's our show. Thank you for
a wonderful season. [applause] [cheers] Thank you for my great guests: the
honorable Mary Robinson, John Waters, Joe Scarborough, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Tom
Daschle. We'll see you in February. Thank you, folks. [applause] [cheers]